OPM Flaccid Manager Exchange is a sub-scale or retiring asset manager’s Ebay. Give your sluggish money management firm to Bay Street’s only Frontstabber.
I had the opportunity to meet Tom Stanley, the manager of the Resolute Performance Fund, many years ago. Tom Stanley’s fund had grown from complete obscurity in the 1990s to $1 billion by 2008. He had insane numbers and was heavily exposed to commodities.
He only had 5 employees. Obviously, I was interested in learning what tips he had for growing a fund. His best advice was to find a weak manager and persuade him to let me take over. It was an excellent use of the word “flaccid,” which is so rarely used in non-penile contexts.
However, I’m not sure how well this advice would work in practise. Would I find a struggling manager and tell him: You’re a flaccid manager, why don’t you let me take over, what do you have to lose? Even my low EQ self recognises that this is not a winning strategy.
How do you buy or sell a business book? It’s all done behind closed doors. Many people have asked me if I knew of any funds or money management businesses for sale. And I’m not sure. I’d like to find a money management company to take over. So, today, I’m launching the OPM Flaccid Manager ExchangeTM, a clearinghouse for people looking to acquire or sell investment books of business (or entire funds or firms).
Do you have any Flaccid Managers in your network? Are you a flaccid manager yourself? A Flaccid Manager is someone who has sub-scale AUM, stagnant performance, low AUM growth, or any combination of these symptoms.
Being a Flaccid Manager is not a bad thing. It occurs. I used to be a Flaccid Manager. Of course, there could be other reasons for a manager to transition. According to a recent survey, 63% of OSC registrants intend to retire within the next three years. That is known as age-related flaccidity. To be completely honest: I made this survey just for fun.
I will respond to any enquiry with the utmost discretion while maintaining the highest possible professional standards. I will do so by employing the same method that I presume urologists use on a daily basis, which is to bite the inside of their cheeks in order to suppress their laughter. Sincerity compels me to assure you that I will conduct myself with the utmost respect and regard you as an expert in your field.
Tom Stanley’s drawdown had reached 80% not long after we had first met each other. And then he would remain motionless for the next seven years. However, he did not give up and went on to have a remarkable comeback, delivering four consecutive years of performance that was over 60%. Why did Tom Stanley choose to carry on despite encountering so much opposition? This is due to the fact that there was no Flaccid Manager ExchangeTM available in the past.
By the way, are you familiar with the identities of two of Tom Stanley’s close friends? That’s right, we’re talking about Avner Mandelman and Larry Sarbit, two recurring characters on OPM Wire. Additionally, at various points in time, they would have been ideal candidates for the Flaccid Manager ExchangeTM. Since flaccidity is so widespread, there should be zero social stigma attached to having it. Laughter, undoubtedly. But stigma, no.
If you don’t start sending me candidates as soon as possible, I’m going to have to start coming up with names on my own. Just the other day, I came across an ESG horsecrap manager who appears to manage all $5 million of assets and possesses licences from both the OSC and the SEC. According to my estimation, the licences on their own are worth $7 million.
I demand that you voluntarily hand over control of your weak operation to me. Or I will begin searching for kompromat, which will lead to absolutely no positive outcomes. I am able to make a commission payment on terms that can be discussed further.
I will also think about delegating this work to someone who is less emotionally invested in the outcome; please let me know if you are interested in this possibility. Because I place such a high priority on this endeavour, I may even give it a more respectable moniker in the near future.